june 17, 2002

i don't feel like typing much, i want to go to bed, so i'll just give a rundown.

my fantasy was the man at the mailboxes etc. place, not the man actually, but how welcome he made me feel. how interested in me he seemed to be. having no life, no purpose, no nothing, i rarely feel that other people appreciate me. all i do is add to this website, this diary, i don't accomplish much - certainly not anything that other people would thank me for. i need a job, i need to matter to somebody, but i am so afraid of failing that i just...don't do anything. i need to go to school, i need to gain accomplish something, but i am so afraid of failing that i just...don't do anything. i need to do something, anything at all, but i am so afraid of failing that i just...don't do anything.

today in the college parking lot, my friend today told me just to try - he said, basically, "try it, you may end up liking it and sticking to it". i'm always looking at everything like i'm going to end up failing at whatever i try, be that college or a job, or even volunteering. i volunteered once at an animal shelter when i was in the retard home - it wasn't a very social job, there were barely any other people there to keep me motivated, so of course i failed. i didn't want busy-work, i wanted someone to relate to - ever since graduating high school with virtually no friends, i've wanted a friend.

if i had something regular to do, i don't think i'd rub off half as much as i do now. college or a job, college or a job, college or a job, those voices inside my head keep telling me. maybe soon.

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