the 2002 rub-log

different is good (feb. 3) me so horny? (feb. 4 and 5) i quit (feb. 11) lonely sundays (feb. 17)
meeting the man of my dreams (march 9) more of him (march 11) - i'm such a jerkin' loser -
the new me, for now (march 12)

well, it's march 22 2002 now, i put myself back on paxil and zyprexa the last few days (they were always in the medicine cabinet, i just never bothered to take them until i realized that they were probably what was keeping me from masturbating the times when i thought that i had just grown out of masturbation). anyway, they at first made me sleepy for a couple of days (i missed a few behind-firming workouts at the gym because of this), and now i am feeling different than i used to feel. it's hard to explain, i feel (taking an expression coined by hammer which i use from time to time) "too legit" - just too legit to fester in fantasy! i feel well. it's like my mind is in a totally different place now, and it is, it's directing my existence from the head it's physically in, for a change!

let's see how long this feeling of well-being lasts! i thought about making a parody to "it must've been love" by roxette, called "it must've been drugs," but i think i'm through writing song parodies.

may 8+9 may 30
june 1 june 2 june 3

well, it's june 16th now - i wasn't going to write anything because i haven't been rubbing off, but when i realized something i had a change of heart.

okay, so i did a search in google for the high school i went to. there's a reunion coming up, 10 year, which i won't go to...but anyway, i went to the faculty pages to see which teachers were still there, and i was put to shame seeing a man named brent.

brent was two years below me in high school, he was a wrestler, blah blah...and now he is some kind of gym teacher for the same high school! my jaw figuratively dropped - he's two years younger than me, looking a-ok, and he's actually accomplished something in his life. gosh, i haven't got anything to my name but this website. and a marshmallow-ass, as i'm sure his is firm and dimpled. gosh, i am so makes me want to get up and do something. i tell you, if brent was in my class, i'd go to the reunion just to talk with him. oh yeah, maybe not, after all there is a chance he's a liberal...and if he teaches at my high school, he's probably seen all the ads for my website that i emailed to the teachers and posted on the message boards.

oh well...gosh, he looks like a marine. :)

oh yeah, i almost forgot what i originally intended putting on this page. well, looking at brent's picture and wanting to talk with him, i realized that if it were a few years ago i'd have jerked off while staring at his picture. because i wanted to relate to such (in frank-n-furter's words) a perfect specimen of manhood. now, though, i didn't even touch my little pee-pee. wait a minute, just three months ago i rubbed off to the mental image of the fitness instructor at the i guess i'm not "too legit" to masturbate, as i said i was. i think maybe i respect brent too much to even think of using his image as a masturbatory object. anyway, i'll be so bold to say that i know i am not the only one who masturbates to gain a feeling of inclusion with those who seem "untouchable".

well, anyway, i think i'm going to go to nashville soon.

june 17 june 25 june 26

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