most every time i go visit my parents, i end up leaving early. i have nothing to keep me occupied at me parents' house. no friends, though that's the same everywhere i go, none of my multimedia applications or devices, i have nothing to divert my attention from my lack of social life or from my lack of inclusion in other peoples' lives. which got me thinking about "men" i've "been with"...

it's kind of sad, actually, remembering them doing their best to give me sexual pleasure...remembering those hopeful looks up from my penis to my expressionless face. it's not sad because i was unaffected by their "play," it's sad because they wanted so to see that they actually mattered to another man and therefore that they were being invited and therefore included in a "real" man's life. evidentally, i was a "special" man, at least in their eyes, for they wouldn't have even wanted to get naked with me if i wasn't.

which reminds me of a quote from my screenplay, "i'm saying that opposites attract, be that man/woman, confident man/insecure man, or even half-the-woman/epitome of 'woman'! 'opposites' is what you feel inside about yourself, it's not strictly male or female on the outside! i'm jealous, therefore i lust! i'm jealous of your body like you're jealous of saxy's! i need a man in my life for the same reason you need a woman, i feel left out!" quoth dylanis, "we all had our reasons to be there".

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