i remember an hbo special being advertised when i was a kid, it was called "why am i gay?". just tonight, i was relishing in the open arms of a male who cares about me...simply because he cares about me...and i was getting a little hard. i know that i get excited by masculine acceptence, it is rare to legitimately feel that kind of acceptence because of the emotional seperation from other males that i have grown accustomed to, but my excitement was extinguished when he tried to tell me that there is nothing wrong with downloading porn off the internet and that i'd be denying who i am if i did not obey my every desire.
i thought that, instead of executives naming that hbo special "why am i gay" (as if to assume my friend's mentality and regard easy thrills as the justification of one's self), they should have named it "why am i bound by unenlightenment". i like what i see in men because i am unenlightened - different is good and anything that shifts my attention away from the slight-of man that i think i am, is just as good. i love seeing abundantly hairy armpits because i've been jealous of armpit hair since 4th grade. i love seeing strong builds, firm behinds, thick arms and legs, broad shoulders or any other mark of a sportsman - i was always an outsider...even when i played sports, i did not feel one with my comrades, the guys. unenlightenment.
so, i just answered the question "why am i turned on by masculine images," i guess. taking it one step further, i will say that i want to get close to masculine images (or men) because, in the words of cyndi lauper, "there's a hole in my heart that goes all the way to china". the emotional seperation from men that i've grown accustomed to left me a masculivoid, craving masculinity as the sweetest taboo.
and the reason i am likely to deny myself of sexual gratification is because there is usually a mirror in the room where i am making love to make answers.