i was reading about schizophrenia one night on the internet, mainly because i was looking for a diagnosis for the lackluster life i've been leading and because i was diagnosed with it in the past. so, i started reading. "this is not what i have," i thought when i read about how other schizoids heard voices and had "episodes" and all...but once i got to reading of how many of them experience a loss of motivation or a decline of social interaction or a loss of friends, i was sold on myself as a mild schizoid.

i went and talked with my gay friend, who is pretty smart, and though i don't like talking about my problems with him (because he is apt to say that my problems stem from not accepting myself as a gay "man," as if my problems could not in any way have been born of the masculine inadequacies which would make any man feel incomplete without another man), i started talking with him. i had to bite my lip every time he'd more or less tell me that my website is living proof that i have problems, but as he was assuming and making an ass out of the both of us...i started feeling good. as he was talking and basically promoting everything of masculine insufficience, my masculine esteem was growing and basically scorning all that he said not out of fear but out of my own state of masculine self-worth. i felt too legit and too in touch with myself as a man, to be buying into his pro-gay rhetoric. then i started daydreaming of the day i'd find a loving pretty lady to start a relationship with. then i started thinking of the problems of today's people, how their undying obedience to easy thrills can unfold to determine the course of their lives and of the genders that they date. and i felt shame for them.



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