that's me, in the middle of god and satan. today i had a relapse and joined up with some online provider of naked/semi-naked masculine images, to behold male nudity in all its glory and maybe even grow from it [you know the growth i'm talking about, right after ejaculation when you feel (justified? self-satisfied?) enough to just roll over and go to sleep]. well, it happened, i grew...but, like always, it will only be a temporary fix. a hazy shade of maturity.
anyway, i don't know if god views masturbation as sin, i don't know why he would - it is pretty pitiful. really, i picture myself staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed at a perfect, hairy chested specimen of manhood...rubbing up on the mattress like jamie lee curtis as wanda...focused on one thing and one thing only, knowing how it will end, but hot with anticipation nonetheless. and i feel dumb.
i can't just let go and give into my lustful desires, not because i fear the almighty lord's wrath, but because i know if i stepped outside of myself and looked at the situation i was in, i'd feel shame for poor poor pitiful me. heterosexual lust or homosexual lust, it doesn't matter, what's one to gain from it?
so, why'd i do it? what was going on in my head, what was i thinking before i rolled over to sleep? what are all lusters thinking? one word: "duh". by the way, the rare times in which i am not depressed, i find that i do not stew over attractive-looking figures long enough to do more than comment on their attractiveness. you too? :p