well i just was looking at more porno. guys playing football shirts off on the beach. then pants off. and their shapely behinds came out and so did i.

the reason i can't talk to guys, the reason i'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, is because i do not identify with guys and that is the reason i want to familiarize myself with their nakedness. and i am worried about saying the wrong thing, because i want them to be at ease with me, when my brain is not at-ease with them and is running 100 mph all over the place. "what if i say this" and "how will he take it" and "what if i make him nervous" - this is why i do not talk easily to anyone.

it's like jim in american pie, "i can't talk to girls, and when i do talk to them, i screw it up". he has the same problem. he stumbles when he speaks, walks, he is a nervous wreck around girls.

i have been wanting erection-prevention type stuff, but that's only half the answer. what i want is that "just ejaculated" disinterest - that "roll over and go to sleep" feeling all of the time. that wouldn't turn me straight, but it'd curb my interest in "discovering" and "dis-covering" men.

i have felt like half a man all my life. i always hated being picked last for teams in gym class, not being invited to my athletic role models' birthday parties, i was always an outsider and i always hated it. and i don't need a homosexual lifestyle to constantly remind me of who i wish i was.

i wish my relationship with my dad was like you and your son, he never even brought up building up my body like you said you forced your son to do. he never instilled a masculine identity in me, and i am paying the price with this damned homosexual attraction.

check out my site, www.jaggedlittledyl.com , unless you're there now