it's january, 2007, and just trying to figure out if it was 10 years ago i got out of the "retard home" in nashville, i'm gonna do something i've been wanting to do. i'm going to take a stroll down memory lane.  i guess i could start in 1997, being as how alanis re-released her monster after ten years, but i guess i'll start after senior year of high school.

poor poor brain-injured me was not feeling much appreciated and/or wanted in high school, i guess because i was a different person after the brain-injury.  so i left school in mid-may and the lady who worked in the office came by my house every day to give me assignments and bring completed assignments back to the teacher, so i would not lose the 4 years i almost completed.

i remember driving around in my car, hearing "this used to be my playground" on the radio at that time, kind of likened it to my life - "this used to be my playground, but now everything has changed".  i went to apply at the community college a year later, august 1993, and i remember seeing my idol from high school, jd, there.  i was too lost and nervous to talk to him, as i was too lost and nervous to say anything to the two guys i met at the college who asked me to the bridgewater mall.  i went with them, they were talking with each other about the week before when they were having sex with girls while driving, and like now i did not know the right thing to say so i said nothing.

i think it was in 1993 sometime that i went to a depression place in new jersey, called carrier.  there was a 7 year-old named brett there, and he got a kick out of me.  i was on the adolescent unit, though i was almost 20, because adolescence is when my condition happened.  i was so sexual, being affected by madonna's SEX book and "erotic" and all.  the two i remember from carrier were brett and a teenaged girl who called me - i can't remember.  something like "little bo peep" or a character or something.  "peppermint patty" comes to mind.  no, i remember, she called me snoopy.

i guess it was around 1994 or 1995 that i started frequenting adult bookstores.  i guess the first was the one in lambertville.  i remember going to the new brunswick head-injury home.  i remember my friend from 1987-1988, chrissy, came to visit me there.  we went to the mall and i bought a playgirl.  i think that freaked her out.  i was totally clueless, i don't know why i did it, but i know i wasn't yet doing things to get a rise out of people.  in 1994 "i remember" driving south past lambertville and the gay mecca of new hope, to try to find a man at the washington's crossing public restrooms to appreciate me.  "i remember" from that brendan frasier flcik was always playing.  by that time i had given up on madonna.  since erotica.  but i did like "take a bow". 

i remember john the trumpet player had called me a year or two after i graduated, i think we went to liberty village in flemington around christmastime.  for some reason, i think i remember him talking about no doubt or "just a girl," but that wasn't released until october 1995...and at that time i was at the hospital in massachusets that famous people went to for depression or something.  i think it was silver hill.  and after coming back from that i started at beechwood rehab in langhorne.  there is where i did not get any "rehab" but a chat with blash.  he was my doctor.  sometimes we'd chat at the restaurants around the oxford valley mall.  outback jack's, that was a dance club in langhorne i remember investigating during the day when it was closed.  i do not remember if the lunch-chats were at this time, or in 1997 when i met with him.

no, i was at silver hill when "back for good" was popular.  i know this, because my sister spoke of it when i was there.  it was released august 1995...oh, yeah...i went to silver hill after dropping out of the new york film academy at princeton university.  well, i stayed there a day and maybe a night.  yeah, i remember going to a bar probably the first night and getting drunk.  but i dropped out of that and went to silver hill almost right after doing so.

i guess i had my sessions with blash in the last quarter of 1995  i moved out to doylestown in january of 1996, since my dog timmy died in october 1995 or so.  i feel bad because i think i walked him too much and that's why he died.  i walked him since summer 1992, probably, when he was 10.  i walked him too far, sometimes probably over a mile.  well, i moved to a town house complex in doylestown.  maybe a half-hour from my friend erin who had moved to willow grove with her family from  where we went to school in new jersey.  we saw girl 6 while i was there.  i joined a gym in doylestown, and the trainer i was talking to about foods i should start eating, offered to shop with me.  i was getting a masculine role model.  i was talking later with him in the gym and asked him about a way to "relieve my tension" or something, he told me about adult world in montgomeryville.  i went there, after leaving i was disgusted that i went there, and i went to the gym and though i was not mad, i was like "oh, you shouldn't have told me about that place".  and i guess his boss heard me, because the next time i went to that gym, he was fired.

so, towards the end of my doylestown stay, march 1996, i had contacted a filmmaker to help me film my memoirs i'd been writing since graduating high school.  andy's beach.  named andy, because DYLAN is ANDY without the L.  also because of the derelict in high school i wanted to emulate after being in "in-school suspension" for something the band director wet his pants about.  i know i stayed in motels and such around the jersey shore where the filmmaker was, until i rented a house there for the movie.  on ocean avenue in monmouth beach...but nothing came of the "movie".  though the actress who played "ann" really cracked me up, she had the role down just as i imagined it.  i stayed there for the summer, and afterward i guess i drove to philly and then to baltimore.  where i discovered a cruisy rest-stop on 95.  i stayed at the towson sheraton a while, the check-in clerks got to recognize me, a black girl and a white man.  everywhere i looked, "ravens" this and "ravens" that, so i guess it was this time that they debuted as a team.  then i ventured down to annapolis, and i got a three month lease at an apartment there so i could participate in a head-injury program on severn avenue.

it was in annapolis the last third of 1996, i had bought my "nomad" portable video game.  i played "beavis and butthead" on it.   i remember passing the annapolis mall, with the EVITA posters out in front.  i think erin came to visit me in annapolis.  i met keith in california in the aol "name that tune 80s" chat.  i also met "brand1974" i guess in annapolis.  keith was 32 at the time, i was 22.  oh i know, me and keith met in a republican chat or something.  or anti-gay chat.  or a god-chat.  funny how it's one of the three.  well, from annapolis i went back up to the philly area.  i stayed at korman suites apartments in bensalem, the same complex that the patients from beechwood in langhorne  stayed at.  i, at this time, went to beechwood to talk with blash.  i guess the previous beechwood sessions were maybe actual rehab?  i dunno.

so, that went on and i lived in bensalem from january 1997 until march 1997.  close to the end of the lease, i went on a road trip down 95 to jacksonville, florida.  when i got back to bensalem, i think it was either a couple days past the end of lease or a couple days before.  i was thankful i got back when i did to avoid anything drastic.  after i got my stuff out of the apartment (i didn't have much, it fit in my car), i went down for another road trip.  down 95 to the south, except this time i went west.  i ended up in texas, i guess i was heading there because of a head-injury ranch, tangrum, that blash told me about.  where you work all day with other head-injured people.  i dunno.  but i did go there, i guess i was too excited about being on the road, that i did not stay past consultation.

this was probably by may or june 1997, when i headed back for 95 and on the way i saw a sign for nashville.  "my old high school acting buddy lives in nashville now," i thought, so i went to find him.  as he had just sent me a letter i did not respond to.  so i went to nashville.  i found "the world's largest adult bookstore" there.  so naturally i made that a hang-out.  i was so excited about nashville, that i called my dad to find a head-injury rehab place there.  he did, and soon i was going to 21st century living in gallatin.  that was a nightmare.  the first day i got there, i crawled through my window in the middle of the afternoon to escape.  i walked away and soon found a church.  so i called a cab, i went down to nashville and went to the bookstore.  maybe i got a room.  i am not sure.  but i called bruce, who was the person working with me, i took an attraction to him, so i called him.  and i went back to almost a year of torment.

it was a day-care enter for head-injured adults over 40.  i was 23.  naturally, i was a fish out of water.  angry at the situation.  the other patients were borderline retarded, just by the way they acted.  day care. thankfully, i had my notebook computer.  but it was tragic.  by christmas, i was ready to go home for the holiday, and while i was at home i contacted someone on aol who lived in nashville.  i was to be starting college-work, and told ed to meet me at the college to take me away.  he did, i finally escaped, but soon he thought it was right to bring me back.  so i went back and eventually i made a friend online.  it was cleared with lonny, the boss, that i would leave for a weekend with my friend.  we checked into a motel, he went to a bar but i was too tired and laid on the bed.  he left, and i fell asleep, and woke around 12 am.  he wasn't back yet.  so i got a cab to the airport.  not the nashville airport, i did not want to be seen in case there was a manhunt initiated by lonny.  i got a cab to the louisville airport.  i got a flight to philadelphia.  home sweet home.

i remember talking to officers about what i'd done in an underground mall or something i don't know is in philadelphia, probably after i'd gotten back from the 12th street gym - a gay gym i had always wanted to discover.  i do not know what all happened, though since erin was close to philly i called her and told her my situation.  she was a little freaked out and did not come over.  i got someone over from aol m4m chats, i think this was the time i tasted cum and it was spoiled-milk sour.  i guess i called my dad or something, and i was on a flight back to nashville the next day.

when i got back to nashville, there were bars on the outside of my window.  everything was restrictive.  so next morning i asked for my razor to shave, as they were taken from me, and i went in the bathroom.  i cut my wrists when john, who was watching me, went to answer the door or something.  so i was off to the hospital.  i got patched up, but talking to a psychologist i said i'd do it again if i had to go back there.  i actually think lonny told me if i wanted out i'd have to say something like that.  so i went to a mental hospital or two, and was gone over a month so lonny decided to give me up.  so i was on my way to a mental hospital in western massachusets.  the hospital worker brought me to the airport and saw me away.  there was a layover in charlotte...

...when i got to charlotte, i got a motel and made a flight for nashville the next day.  i lived for a month or two with ed's friend, derrick.  then one day i went to the world's largest adult bookstore and met marty.  i took him for a drink, we got an apartment in bellevue, and that was that.  until one day, we went to kentucky kingdon, i'd wanted to go ever since seeing commercials for it when i was in one of the mental hospitals.  we went there and i spit on the car of the two lesbians who kissed before walking to the entrance.  he got mad.  we went home and he moved out.  i was alone.

i took a flight to baltimore, went to the rest stop on 95, met marc...and he became my landlord for maybe 16 months.  i rented a room in his house, near frederick maryland.  this was my closest thing to a home since living with my parents.  by may of 1999, i started my website as jaggedlittledyl.com.  i still drove a lot in maryland, for gay stuff, at quantico there were two men who i was too scared to say anything to.  but by may 2000, i went to a gym in dc and was looking around the locker room, when a trainer came in.  "can i help you," he said.  big n strong, this man was.  he was dan.  we went to dinner.  he agreed to be my trainer.  didn't last long, though, he stopped wanting to hang with me.  i remember his friend at the gym in gaithersburg, when dan introduced him to me, the look on his face, i know i thought he knew about my website.  i don't know how, really, because i did not advertise it.  maybe in the gay chats, but that's it.

anyway, by the summer months of 2000, i drove back down to nashville for a month-long vacation.  i met someone off aol and we became friends.  i stopped roaming for human relations, and that ends my vagabond life.

check out my site, www.jaggedlittledyl.com , unless you're there now