i wrote a behavior modification therapist because i was afraid that my warning schools that one of their students authored a "hate site" known as legalizerape.org - would be taken as a threat.  what happened was, i wrote my old high school and i guess my saying "if you don't get take action against whoever is responsible for the site, i will contact the aclu".  and they told me that they didn't know who in their school wrote the site, and they said i threatened them.   i was afraid because i wasn't sure if they were talking about my threat about the aclu, or if they misconstrued my telling them about their having a student who advocated for hate speech and for the legalization of rape.

so, i looked for a therapist to help me change my behavior.  here are all the letters i sent over the three or four days when i went to the therapist twice:

 

hello. i have to send this from aol, because i have trouble sending to yahoo. i think i send too many emails to spread the word of my site.

yeah i wanted to get "behavor modification therapy" i learned about from my online friend john.

i am not "full of pain," as you said, i'm just sitting at home all day usually on the computer making dylanswebpage.com. doing that fulfills me, and has since 1999. it's true that i do not have any friends except for my roommate, and getting the ability to be more social is a goal i have. i stay in because 1) i don't have anything to do, and 2) i don't have any social skills. and 3) because i can't find a job that would hire me for 1 or 2 hours a day.

another goal i guess would be to find a better way to spend my days, maybe by making me more comfortable with people in order to take a college class or something.

maybe change the way i think so that i do not see it as an "i wanna get naked with you" for every man who speaks nicely to me.

making me less afraid of rejection would let me approach people and talk to them without fear. as if i have anything to talk about. it would also let me try out for a play without the fear of not getting a part.

as for "behavior modification," i'd like to act calm and cool enough to talk to people. i twiddle my thumbs now, pace, i just did it with my mom, so i don't know if it's a social-phobia thing.

it's a habit.

but i'd also like to modify my behavior so i don't wanna push peoples' buttons. i wrote a parody of u2's "lemon" and called it "felon," as i've been one since emailing a threat to someone in hopes he'd take a look at my site.

if i didn't write this website, i have no idea what i'd do.

oh, another goal would be to find like a group therapy i could go to for an hour a day. when i was in nashville, i was trapped in a head-injury rehab home that i signed a contract to be in, and he wouldn't let me out of it, so i faked a suicide attempt and the hospital i was sent to, the depression ward i was on, i was part of a group. i wrote a parody of john michael montgomery's "i miss you a little," remembering that. i like being part of a group.

anyway, that's my story. some of it, anyway. i'd like an appointment asap, if you could.

dylan



hi.  i don't want to forget to tell you things so i will email when i think of something. i don't want to forget like i went out to mail my roommate's letters and went to the post office but just did the same thing, checked my mail.

anyway, sometimes i long to go to bath houses, just for easy human contact. i never meet anyone worthwhile there, though once i met someone who i went to dinner with and stuff.

but if there's a place anywhere, whose purpose is to meet people or network, i'd like to know where.

dylan

hi again. if i am emailing too much, though it is all stuff i think i should tell my therapist. there was this matchbox 20 song that played on my mp3s, a line "people still use other people with a crooked smile". that is me, i am afraid of being used, taken advantage of, playing the fool, and that is another reason i keep to myself. you should pay attention to these emails, because you'd probably get more info from them than you would if i was in your office. unless you have a mad scientist's way of extracting information from me. speaking of which, i saw vacancy one night and that night i had a dream of being held hostage by a mad scientist who was keeping me because, like the head-injury home in nashville said, i am a danger to myself and to others. well, he gave me electric shock on the nipples, and i don't think you should try that as a way to get me to talk.

dylan

 

okay here is another. i hate having a sexual attraction to anything. because it is like a drug, or a fix - once you get your high it all shuts down. i just watched some fleshy videos on youtube, started rubbing my dick through my jeans, and when i was getting close, i originally thought to stop so i could continue on longer...but then i thought, "just get it over with and do something else".

it's such a waste of time, ever since i was in my early (matchbox) twenties, i have been searching for something to keep me from either getting a hard-on, getting horny and stuff. i remembering looking into what chemical casteration was all about.

besides being a waste of time, i caught a cold or the flu or something by kissing someone years ago. and that feeling is as bad as a hangover, which i got in april and vowed never to drink again.

i hear chemical castration loses body hair, that is why i do not want it. since seeing steve guttenburg in the pool in coccoon, i've looked forward to when i got a hairy chest, but i do not have one and will never get one. i don't want anything taking away any hair.

and even worse than masturbating, is getting naked with someone else and being sexual. when i was watching those fleshy youtube videos, i was thinking "how i would liike to be there as well" but they're only human on my tv (i use my 61" tv as a computer screen from across the room). and if they're right next to me, they're as human as i am, and something is smelly or is wet about them. be it their feet, their ass crack, their crotch, their armpits...someone left a message to a poll question on my website, they said they wanna sniff my butt. that is disgusting. but, being a masculivoid myself, i have had the same fantasies about "the perfect speciman of manhood".

i know gay activists who embrace freedom to be different, have made "reparative therapy" almost illegal, but i just want my whole sex drive turned off. in the words of jim in american pie, "i hate sex, and i'm not gonna stand around busting my balls over something that, quite frankly, isn't that damned imortant".

maybe modify my behavior so i don't do things to get myself off, would be another goal.

i feel sorry formy mom, who washed clothes wheni was a teenager with all the cum stains on my underwear. i have been humping the bed with my pants on since maybe 5th grade. now i don't wear underwear, not because of that, just because what's the point to underwear. i see none. socks keep my sneakers from stinking, but i often go without socks too, because they're not really necessary.

i think i am gonna copy all the letters i've written and post them on my website. i'm sure some people will find my life entertaining.


Dylan

 

You don't need to call.  I've been up since like 7 am.  I was kind of excited that I'd have someone who'd listen to me and who would get to know me.  I was getting off on the idea, and humping my mattress again.  Just having someone who "wants to," as i can't really believe it since there is money involved, get to know me...that's what makes me sexually excited.  Well, that's my world, when it's not all about my website, it's all about sex.  And not even actual sex, as I said yesterday, the act is either too smelly or too sweaty to keep my interest.

Well, I'll be there at 10.

Dylan

 

okay i called the insurance company and faxed the receipt in.  they said they'd need a letter from you stating that going every day would be "medically necessary".  maybe to keep me occupied so i don't email any more schools telling them that their students advocate for the legalization of rape.  i dunno.  they said if i need to go more than once a week, you'd have to write a letter saying why it's "medically necessary".

if i email too much, please tell me.  sometimes there is a hold in my heart that i feel, and yeah i guess "someone to hold" like you said today would fill it.  well, writing is the next best thing for me, and so voila.

anyway, i love talking with you.  i know you're married so i'm not asking for anything touchy feely when i ask if i could drop by sometime and go to lunch with you.  that'd be neat, and that's what i did with the doc in langhorne, he had our therapy sessions at restaurants around the oxford valley mall.  and that'd probably be justifiable, seeing as i do need to get out.  it's like that maroon 5 "must get out" that i parodied.  "just sitting's made me crazy and i must get out".

or else, i could just come by and we can have lunch.  or we could plan to inexplicably run into each other at some restaurant.  or, if you can't hang out with your patients at all, i could quit dr. brent and just hang out with brent when he's free.  i really think having people in my life would be all the behavior modication i'd need.  i wouldn't do crazy stuff if i had people to take me away from myself.

like the "facilitator" i was close to getting when i was 18 or 19, he would have been gone out with me to introduce me to the world beyond being cooped up in my bedroom.  he didn't want to work with me because i think i asked to suck his dick or something sexual.  so i never got a "facilitator,"  but i thought hanging out with someone who was being paid to be my friend was wrong.    ha, the same thing happened at the "retard home" in nashville, the owner of the home got someone to be social with me, i don't know what we did first but after i guess i said somehow that i was horny.  so we went to an alley in nashville and he got blown by some prostitute or something, and i know i wanted him not a prostitute, but i don't think i said anything.  but i know i didn't get blown by a prostitute, and i know that he stopped being my social guide.  so i can only guess why.

i guess being naked with someone kind of solidifies a bond and gives me a feeling of being accepted in someone's life.    it's always been that way.  that's kind of why i want it to just be turned off.  i made a parody of gloria estefan's "words get in teh way" - well, one of them - about how "lust gets in the way" of making real friends.

i guess if it wasn't always on my mind, it wouldn't matter if my therapist was male or female.  oe even attractive.  but i'd be open to more people if it wasn't an issue.  it's like that 21 ish year old at the y.  i was hanging out in the sauna, he came in and started talking to me,, we chatted a while  and he asked for my aim chat name.  so i told him "dylquesne32" and his interest just shut off.    so he'd also be open to more people if lust wasn't his driving force, as i'm sure it had to have been, not being interested after hearing that "32" at the end.

well, here's another email to add to your collection of emails from dylan.  if you ever wanna have lunch or dinner, let me know.  well, i got to get off of this computer.  "just sitting's made me crazy and i must get out".

Dylan

 

 

I guess i am all exited and happy to talk and email with someone, that i am not realizing it is not my place to be emailing you all the time and thinking anyone who talks to me and smiles at me wants to be my friend and my social "facilitator," if you will.

well, that is how starved for human relations i am.  and actually, that is why i sort of think it's not in my ability to make friends.  i did the same thing to my dentist, i was so happy that he extracted a tooth for less than what it was worth because the root canal i got less than a year ago failed and i had not enough money on my dental card.  so i wrote him thank you letters and i thought we could hang out.

really, i dont know where i'd hang out with anyone, because i don't like to do much.  well, i guess by "hang out" i mean just have someone to email with or go to lunch with now and then.

sometimes i feel pathetic, thinking people i talk with as people i hire to do something, are interested in being "e-pals" or lunch dates.  the world i live in is a high school world, the psych doc even said - well, this is why i named my screenplay on the site "16 Til I Die" - he said that because of the age that my brain-trauma happened at, it will be hard to get out of that adolescentile way of thinking.

my favorites movies are american pie  and ferris bueller's day off.  i could recite ferris bueller since i watched it enough on cable when it came on cable.  i know american pie almost as well as i used to know ferris bueller.

like i said, there's a hole in my heart.  and to hold someone would fill it, but holding someone would be like a pacifier to keep a baby from sucking his thumb.  and like now i do not feel the hole in my heart like i felt last time i wrote.    i think being around people like i was around you this morning, and then going back home and "stu"ing, puts that hole in my heart. 

emailing like this, i don't know if it helps you understand me and my "treatment plan" better, but i'm hoping it does.  and the reason i want to come every day, is because just coming once a week for an hour, i think whatever happens in that hour will get lost in the 167 other hours in the week.  is that right, 24 times 7 is 168, right?

is it a matter of self-confidence lacking, that i am so lonely, or is it because my social skills are lacking.  and how would you be able to fix the social skills that are lacking without being social with me.

well, tellme when you call the insurance.  prudential originally had my accident insurance, but liberty mutual took it over.  that's where danielle is.  she's so nice to me on the phone, do you think she'd wanna go out for lunch?

Dylan

 

 

Hello.  Gosh you're as great as ... I can't remember any therapist who's held my hand through the business side of  therapy in order to get therapy from them.  I do remember writing a parody of Hootie and The Blowfish "Hold My Hand" to the personal trainer in DC who had shown the same patience and caring, though.  So, thanks for not making me do it all myself, because I give up on things like that.  Oh, that includes the phone call to remind me to come.  I guess you're not like docs who are more/less a sex therapist, and I guess I shouldn't be talking to you like I talked to them - about perverted stuff, but feeling this kind of acceptence and care from other men is i guess what i've longed for all my life.   there was also that trainer in doylestown who did the same, he even went shopping with me to help me get the right foods for bodybuilding.  i got him fired when i came back from the adult bookstore that he recommended to me, because i told him "you shouldn't have told me about that place," in ffront of his co-workers and/or boss. 

i think i got the guy who worked at the downtown adult bookstore fired too, nate, because i was talking to him one night for a while and i learned that he liked prince.  and i was going to his concert (in 2004) so i was given a free cd at the concert and larry was too and larry didn't want it, so i went to the bookstore the next day and gave it to nate.  but his boss was there too, and the next day i asked where hw was and they said that he doesn't work here anymore.

i hope i don't get you fired.  ha.  oh i guess a lunch date may.  but it's notl ike you have a boss keeping tabs on you.

there i go, when i was just supposed to write this:

I don't know what to write about the authorization to speak to you, so I authorize you to speak to my insurance providers and/or doctors regarding me and my case.

Dylan

 

 

oh, and i sent the banker a gift certificate to applebees, and i haven't seen him in the bank since doing that.  so i worried that i got him fired too.   but i know i didn't, because yesterday when i was in the bank, somebody asked for him.  i think they said he'll be back on the 15th.

being such a hermit, businessplaces are the only human contact i have.  the one at krispy kreme, he gave me a ton of free donuts, he winked at me, so i wrote my phone number down and put it in his hand.  because i am too timid to do anything else.  it's good that he locked the bathroom, because having been in there, it had a toilet and a urinal so i thought it was for more than one.

then there was the worker at the weighlifting equipment place.  he was being so nice to me, and so i emailed him when i got home and he responded telling me he's glad i emailed.  but i emailed him from my dylanswebpage.com address, and he never  emailed again.  so i guess he took a look at the site.

then there was the radio  shack worker, who saw one of my shirts and said "is that stifler's mom" who was on the front and it had dylanswebpage.com on it and he said he'd have to check it out.  and next time i went in there he seemed uncomfortable to talk to me.

these letters will be funny to put on my site.  almost as funny as the youtube video i wanna make.  it'd be so watched.  i have this "shower dong" it's called where is like a dildo or a douche that's hooked up to the shower faucet and you stick it up your ass and it sprays water.  i want to use it, clench my ass to keep the water up there, go to my camera and quiver my lips while saying "i'm VERY thirsty," and then take a glass and release the water in the glass, then drink it.  ha.  that'd be so funny and it'd be a hit on youtube i bet.

welcome to the world of dylan.  wanna go on a road trip one day when it gets warmer?  i'd be like when i won tickets to truth or dare and i took john and craig and their friend shawn.  we were walking around the city and stuff.

Dylan

 

yeah i guess so.  you realize, i'm going to have to reschedule my entire day.  well, that was supposed to be a joke, but now i'm thinking that it's not funny to waste my days the way i do.  do you need a gopher at your office?  i work for free.  well, i'd work for company.  til it got redundant.  i need a more outgoing state of mind.  how long will it take?  i'll be there at 2.  now i am getting a boner.  it's awesome that i have someone to talk to.  i used to think if i just got buzzed by alcohol i'd be unafraid to talk to people.  i guess i would be, but i wouldn't be too attractive to others with a buzz.  i was gonna go to the y today but i didn't.  i'm such a scared little girl.  oh well, i'll be there at 2.  the alarm man is supposed to install another keypad in my room, but i called and left a message to cancel because i don't know what time he is coming. 

Dylan

 

 

oh yeah if you have emergencies like that, i am not always on aol.  actually, the only thing i use it for is to see if i have letters from you.  but if you have emergencies or want to get in touch quick, email look@myfirmbehind.com.  just not from yahoo, cuz any mail to yahoo i'm not sure will get there.  yeah isn't that a funny address.  that's my goal, a firm muscled behind.  when "if i could turn back time" came out, mtv had a parody cher singing "look at my firm behind".  ha.

i also have a helpmysonis@michaeljacksonshouse.com address.  i don't use that much anymore.  like i said, welcome to dylan's world.  i wish i could be as comfortable with myself around people, as i am emailing you.  i hope it won't take too long for you to make me that way.  ha how old are you - were you like in your teens or matchbox twenties when carly simon was popular?  i put a scrolling message on my website a while ago "you're so gay, you probably think this website's about you". 

oh gosh.  we oughtta go on a road trip.  i don't think i sho;uld be regarding you as someone to hang with, but that's me.  welcome to dylan's world.

dylan

 

whoops i think i sent a blank email.  i think i'm in the head-over-heels teenaged girl syndrome.  well, i was humping the mattress when my email alert went off.  steve from blue's clues singing "here's the mail, it never fails, it makes me wanna wag my tail...when it comes i wanna wait "MAAAAAAAAIL".

i thought, "maybe it's brent and he emailed me from a different non-yahoo address".  so i looked.  it was my mom, but now i guess i'll start confessing.  i didn't talk about anything really to any psychologist i've had, and i can only assume it's because they didn't really matter.  well, i started emailing you with everything personal even before our first session, i guess the trust was already there.  brent i went to high school with was a superstar wrestler with a masculine gender-identity i so wanted.  i looked up to him even though he was 2 years below.  so i guess your name was the first thing.

there were no pictures online i found of you, yes i was looking, but it said you only been doing it for 2 years, i guessed you weren't an old man like sex therapists.  i ran into a pic after we met for the first time on some psychology doctor directory.

when we were talking face to face for a few seconds the other day, i could've sworn you were someone named paul who was the 2nd trumpet with me in high school.   maybe his dad or something. 

well, when i was making love to my pillow (okay, i wasn't doing that, did you ever hear "the bed's too big without you" by the police.  maroon 5 has a lyric about humping the bed, when i heard it i was like "wow i haven't heard anyone sing about that since wandering around in my car at 19 or 20 with the police playing.

anyway, i was humping the bed and thinking of you.  that may be disgusting, cum is disgusting and sticky and leaves my underwear brownish after it dries, but it's the truth.  i don't think i would talk to anyone this much if there was no homosexual attraction i had.  though it's true i started talking before we even met, i still think i'd have stopped if you were old and fat like sex therapists i've had.  i wouldn't feel a need to be known, and therefore would not expose myself in therapy.  well, talk of myself.  i expose myself on my website.  no wonder i get no respect.

anyway, i probably won't bring it up in person mainly because i feel like nobody wants to hear it - it's like my worst nightmare, introducing myself "hi i'm dylan" and getting a "who cares" in return.  no it never happened, but i guess that's my whole outlook on life.  and why i keep to myself.

so i guess there's another one of my problems you can address.  speaking of "address," i had to memorize the gettysburg address when i was in 8th grade.  yesterday in the car, i tried to recite it.  i got as far as "four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."  i don' tknow much more, though i remember "today we are on a great battlefield of that war, testing whether this nation or any nation can truly endure" or something like that.

Dylan

 

 

just so you know my motivations, there was a george michael song that began with a line from "the graduate," - "i am not trying to seduce you".  actually, i was trying to parody a line of shania twain's "man i feel like a woman" for you.

"the best thing about-a bein a woman is her prerogative to have a little fun yeah"

well, the best thing about being attracted to a married man, is it's not going to go anywhere.  and i can talk like prince without it being taken as a come-on.

so, just don't think i'm trying to get in your pants, because i'm sure if you thought that you'd deem it a "conflict of interest" or something and you'd stop seeing me.  and i'd have to go back to sitting in the therapist's office and twiddling the thumbs in my mind and not having an interest of saying anything.

maybe this behavior needs modified.  prince modified his behavior when he was "born again," i guess being so sexually-motivated keeps me from making friends the normal way because i don't feel like i really can know someone without having been naked with them.

maybe i'll end up being a flasher on the streets on new york city.  but i'd rather bare my soul.  as i am doing in these letters.

it's like a sexual awakening, being able to talk this way.  "me so horny, me love you long time".

ha.

make me some friends, please.  the more you get to know me, the more you can tell people i'd "click" with about me and you can give them my email address.  i guess nobody'd really wanna stand for hearing me babble in email, if you weren't my therapist i doubt if you would.  oh, i have little money in my account and i am moving the money i am saving from bank of america to my local one.  so maybe don't cash the check for a few days.  the money should be in my account today or tomorrow, but i just wanna be sure.  oh i guess i'm getting a payment on the 7th so i'll be okay. 

when i see you today, can you tell me who's gonna get back to who regarding the insurance and how much i can cum.  ha.  i mean how much i can come to meet with you.

Dylan

 

well i don't think i'll be sitting on my bed now that the weather has slapped me in the face.  so i'll be trying to get active.  not sexually, socially.  though the two walk and in hand.  i swear, i did not know my zipper was down today.  if i did, my penis would have been hanging out to get your attention.  i have no shame.  but the open fly was unintentional, i didn't want to say anything while pulling it up.

Dylan

 

 

hello.  i am going to have to actually get reimbursed, as well as see how long it will take, just one time before i can come to any more meetings.  they can say that they'd pay me back, but i won't believe it until they actually do.

gosh i've written so much about myself, i've talked so much about myself these past what three days.  brings to mind an "i'll believe you when" parody, where the last line was "maybe i'd do better if i wrote about myself".

i think i am doing better.  there is no apprehension of going to the y anymore and having people think i'm a perv because i hang out in the steam/sauna of the locker room.  though i think i'd still avoid eye contact, looking at the ground when i'm walking.

i'll tell you everything i'm thinking about doing, after i do them.  because i have to write a list.

Dylan



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