to whom it may concern:

I am taking time out of my super-busy workday, to alert you of a defective product you are selling. For the last year, I have been buying trees at homo depot to hang out of the back of my car’s trunk, and I have had no problem EVER trying to close the trunk on them. I, therefore, have grown quite accustomed to having no problem closing the trunk on them, halfway or three-quarters of the way. I have had no problem.

Today, april 16th, I bought a tree that used to be ten dollars but was 15 when I rung it up at the self-checkouts. Not feeling it was worth the five dollars to go back to your tree department and get a tree that was more my price range, I bought it. I took it out to my car and was kind of excited to finally have a new tree (the tree in my trunk was all Dead and dry and stuff – it’s so hard to afford new trees in bush’s 2010 economy.)

I opened the trunk with my excitement persisting, i slowly and methodically slid my tree into a tight place in between the rubber tire and the jack, this was the only place it would fit, my tree isn’t big but there is a lot of junk in the trunk it was being inserted into. I closed the trunk door on it and the door bounced up. this was not uncommon, I have had to use force in the past, so I slammed the door again. And again, again, again, I was getting out-of-breath, forcing it, my shoulders were fatigued – but I kept trying.

Eventually, I gave up. The tree was not like any other tree I’ve bought there. I feel your company discriminated against me, your employees have seen how I use the trees I buy there – and they purposely enlarged all the trees at your store and made it so I couldn’t do what I do with them. To add insult to injury, after I gave up with my trunk I brought the tree and the old trees to the garbage can. I was going to dump the tree I spent $15 on, but then thought that it was a part of your plan to have me throw it away just for one of your employees to take the tree out of the garbage and put it back in the store to make another $15. I did not want to play the fool, as your employees wanted me to, so I started trying to break up the tree before I left it in the garbage. It was quite difficult, not being able to rip the tree apart actually took me by surprise because I thought I was strong. Now I know how Strongwoman feels, and why the armed forces have different physical requirements based on gender.

One of your employees came around and asked what I was doing, I told him the whole story, and he told me that nobody’d take it out of the garbage can. What was I supposed to do, I certainly didn’t trust him – I knew he’d take it out and put it back in your store to sell and make another $15 on, but I couldn’t argue because then I’d just seem like a paranoid dumbass to him. i judge people on their looks and the “doable” factor, and it’s not like I am too proud to argue with anyone who doesn’t look like drew, the personal trainer at the old downtown bally’s, but I didn’t want anyone in the immediate area to hear me, in case someone as big and strong as drew was around to hear and look down upon me for being perceived as a paranoid dumbass.

Anyway, I would like a refund of $15, sent to the address below. It was the same make of tree that I bought at your store last summer, but out of spite or malice your employees simply enlarged the shaft so that it would not let the trunk door close on it. I don’t know where I will buy my trees now that homo depot has betrayed me.

I am sick of being treated like a second-class citizen, first you trick me into getting a credit card without explaining to me verbally of the fact that if it wasn’t paid off in a year I’d be charged hundreds of dollars of interest. I am brain-damaged, brain-injured since 1990, I do not think to read any fine print, and I need things explained to me like I am a four year-old. This is clearly a case of discrimination, I feel it is because the people around here feel animosity towards me simply because I advocate for the rape and abortion of feminists with homemade bumper art on my car. I feel your employees feel animosity towards me because of my website that my bumper art advertises. I am tired of being treated like I am a negro, like I am worthy of no respect just for the color of my diversity.

Your employees need to shape up or ship out.

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