it is thursday morning, the 10th of february. i just woke up, i had been dreaming of a bunch of people singing "total eclipse of the heart," as they walked out of a church. andrew from my high school i know was nearby, keeping time with the music by tapping his foot, as the people were walking out of the church as they sung with the song playing.

i don't know if my dog simon had anything to do with it, he was not there, but i had a "total eclipse of the heart" on sunday when he died of pancreatits (it was then i thought of parodying "total eclipse of the heart" for him). no toxins in his blood, no reason the emergency vet could point to - "the pancreas just gave out". maybe this dream was like a funeral for him. and a way for me to start living again, because i am filled with too much sadness and guilt to do anything. i don't know if it was anything i fed him, and every list of "food dogs shouldn't eat" i've read since he died - made me think i gave him something bad.

he had been having trouble going through the "doggie door" for a week or two, a painful abdomen i now realize was a symptom of the pancreatitis. his regular vet saw him on thursday, did no blood tests - which i want to kill him for - and gave him pills for the intestinal tract infection felt just by rubbing simon's body. no x-rays, no bloodwork, this vet had been practicing for thirty years but i just want to kill him for not doing anything but touching. on saturday, he said that simon's blood was off his reader (over 400) - i told him that i wanted to take simon to an emergency vet and he said i should wait until tomorrow so simon could absorb the medications/iv that were just given. the vet said to feed simon through a syringe, pedialyte and baby food, but now i read that for pancreatitis you're not supposed to let them eat or drink anything. i want to report him to some group like peta with the letter i'm writing as i write the parody below.

the emergency vet said that if his pancreas was going, there was no way to stop it. maybe it could have been slowed down with drugs, but once it was going then it was going. was his pancreas "going" before the first vet, and what about his inability to get through the doggie door that happened a week or so beforehand - was it acute (as the emergency vet said) or chronic?

simon was always there with his brothers, alvin and theodore, they all were always on the bed with me. i got them as puppies when casey (my last dog) died around october of 2003. it is february now, 2011, he had lived for 7 1/2 yeaqrs...but jack russells live for 12 and poodles live for 12...so he was too young to die. i guess that is why i cried so much - i have been writing a bunch of things down about simon so i wouldn't forget:

i called simon, "simie" and "siman"
when i was lying down on my side with my legs bent, simon always laid in the "V" that was made.
simon sometimes laid on top of my chest or back when i was lying on the bed.
simon had his mouth stretched open while spreading his arms to get a tummy-rub and rubbing his paw over his snout.
i always put his snout in my mouth
simon's white spot on his chin like maxwell sheffield's white spot in his hair.
simon's white spot on his chest
we called simon "fatass"
simon's wide tongue when kissing me, his wide paws
simon should have been "theodore" because theodore was the chubby chipmunk
simon always stamped his left front foot then his right front foot when he was waiting for me to tend to him
simon's "mop top" of a head made me call him a "muppet"
my final kiss to simon, i kissed his cheek and walked away then spoke to him and kissed his snout. he half-opened his eyes.

well, here is my song for simon. i made a song for timmy - my first dog - in the year i started this site (1999). he died around november 1995, i moved out of my parents' house in january of 1996.

* 'the power of three' was from the show charmed - my friend larry called my puppies 'the power of pee,' since they sometimes left 'presents' of pee or poo. now, there's not three, so they are 'the power of poo'. or, two.

turn around, every now and then i get a little bit lonely cuz he's never coming 'round
turn around, every now and then i get a little bit tired of kissing two, no 'power of three'
turn around, every now and then i get a little bit nervous - pancreas was not that clean to the eye
turn around, every now and then i get a little bit senseless, i can't help to think bad food made him die

turn around, sad-eyes - every now and then our dogs are gone
turn around, sad-eyes - every now and then their hearts will stop

turn around, every now and then i get a little bit senseless just to think i made him die
turn around, every now and then i get some internet sense and then i'm buying lies and i am the cause
turn around, every now and then i 'member his little dog-pancreas would go - and not a vet could make right
turn around, every now and then i get a little bit senseless, i can't help to think bad food made him die

turn around, sad eyes - every now and then our dogs are gone
turn around, sad eyes - every now and then their hearts will stop

and i need to know tonight - did i feed him wrong on error?
and will i always know that i - i had wholly caused his death or
will i know that his pancreas died from his seven years, aw!
the vet don't need to make the proof with tests of insides
the dunce just smiled and handed some three dog-meds to try
i don't know what to do and i know my dog's in-shock
he's living in a powder-keg and giving off sparks
i really need him alive, the vet sure's gonna lose his li...cense since he wronged "animal rights"

once upon a simon, the doggie who loved - now he's only doggie who's not
nothing i can do, a total eclipse of the heart
once upon a simon made light of my life, now there's so much of me i've lost
nothing i can say, a total eclipse of the heart

turn around, sad-eyes - turn around, sad eyes

turn around, every now and then i know i'll never be the boy i always was with the three
turn around, every now and then i know i'll always be a lonely boy with simon being made into ash
turn around, every now and then i know there's no puppy i knew who hurt so tragically, so young, as my boo
turn around, every now and then i know my puppy's death could never be something that i'd just let come-to

turn around, sad-eyes - every now and then our dogs are gone
turn around, sad-eyes - every now and then their hearts will stop

and i need to know tonight - did i feed him wrong on error?
and will i always know that i - i had wholly caused his death or
will i know that his pancreas died from his seven years, aw!
the vet don't need to make the proof with tests of insides
the dunce just smiled and handed some three dog-meds to try
i don't know what to do and i know my dog's in-shock
he's living in a powder-keg and giving off sparks
i really need him alive, the vet sure's gonna lose his li...cense since he wronged "animal rights"

once upon a simon, the doggie who loved - now he's only doggie who's not
nothing i can do, a total eclipse of the heart
once upon a simon made light of my life, now there's so much of me i've lost
nothing i can say, a total eclipse of the heart

a total eclipse of the heart, a total eclipse of the heart
turn around, sad-eyes
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