i can handle my loved ones dying, i can't handle not knowing if i caused it.
my dogs are my responsibility.
simon died last month. i thought it would have been my fault, i am
his caretaker. it was acute pancreatitis - a slow onset - i
didn't think to take him to the vet when i heard him drinking
excessively, i noticed he had trouble pushing himself through the
doggie-door and that was probably because of abdominal pain. days
went by, i took him to the vet because i thought something was wrong
and the vet felt him and gave me pills for an intestinal infection.
two days later, he was worse - so the vet gave him iv and twelve
hours later i took him to an emergency vet because he was not really
it was there i learned of his "acute pancreatitis," and he was there
for around 7 hours when he went through his second cardiac arrest and
i let him go. it has been about five weeks and i guess i have run
out of reasons to blame myself. so i guess i am really letting him
for weeks, i have been telling myself that it was the air freshener
i sprayed around simon and his brothers. it says "not tested for
animals" on it, but it is 100% natural and non-toxic and all that.
though there were no toxins found when he went to the emergency vet,
i thought a light amount of toxins could damage his pancreas over
time. i still am not sure about that, i guess i'll still research
online for the answer, but it's been five weeks and he's not coming
back (i looked at my outside cam when i heard scratching sounds on
the outside of the doggie-door). i guess i will live with alvin and
theodore and a hole in my soul.
i was relieved to learn that the air freshener was 100% natural and
didn't have chemicals or toxins. i thought about the first vet only
seeing an intestinal infection on wednesday, i thought about the
previous week's excessive drinking and the inability to push through
the doggie-door, and i guess i realized that it wasn't sudden.
reading how dogs react within hours to breath mints, i guess i knew
it couldn't have been bad food or even the 100% natural air freshener
having been sprayed near the dogs' food.
alvin has a bad kidney, i learned after simon died. theodore does
not, and i am worried that - since simon ate basically anything and
alvin was almost as piggish - maybe it was the spray having gotten
on their food. simon was basically the only one who ate the food
that was near their couch, i am not sure if alvin sometimes did. but
theodore didn't. i give them meat rolls, the other food is just
there in case they get hungry.
i think i have exhausted my sense of guilt. the vets said it wasn't
anyone's fault, but i held on to the thought that my negligence is
what weakened his pancreas. through spraying the air freshener, i
know i sprayed "hot shot" bug spray when i saw a "stink bug" every
couple of days. but having read the breath mints caused a reaction
in a few hours, i guess i am a little more comfortable that his
death was not my fault.
i wrote three or four song parodies to deal with it, sometimes the
song titles just speak to me as something i can relate my life to. i
did "always something there to remind me," about his brothers being
here - i did "there's a hole in my life" about the missing brother -
i did "sweet release" about letting go of the guilt i felt - i did
"total eclipse of the heart" because that's what simon's death was -
i did "you're my home" about the three brothers. alvin, simon,
i can't cry anymore. shoot, maybe i'll do a parody of that song.
he was so young, 7 1/2. i question whether i will cry when his
brothers die - they were always 3...and with simon gone, well, the
gang is gone.
check out my site, www.jaggedlittledyl.com
, unless you're there now