sunday, february 10th - 7:58 pm

the internet if out. nothing to do. pause. pause. wrinkles nose. nothing to be done.

that was one of nicole farr's lines in a one-act play called "the actor's nightmare" when i was a freshman. that's how i feel now.

i've been thinking about josh lane a lot, ever since i wrote the "it hit me like a hammer" parody in honor of josh hitting me like a hammer back in 1991. i always look at his facebook page because i care about him. ha, that makes him sound like an ex-boyfriend or something, but no...josh knocked a sense of gender-identity into me, or at least he lectured me on the importance of it. i was all down on myself in the presence of his manly, hairy-chested existence...and he basically told me not to put him on the man-pedestal but to love myself enough to be on my own man-pedestal. he didn't use those words, but that's the idea.

i don't think about anyone from high school as much as i think of josh. he was "such a perfect specimen of manhood," back in high school. i went digging around on the internet for anything josh-related - he told me he was going to lehigh university back when we hung out, so i found a page with a yearbook quote of how josh got his pants pulled down to his ankles at some party. then, somehow, i learned that he went to the university of georgia - and i found a picture of him with a girly "bobbed" hair style. what a hunk, but the hair was a mistake. i guess fabio was popular back then. ha.

maybe the picture was taken around 1995. i remember where i bought windows 95, it was at the staples in phillipsburg. gretchen greckle or grackle was working there. oh, maybe i just remember seeing the billboards on the store's windows that were there to advertise windows 95. josh went to college for computer science, he's a microsoft-man...which is awesome. i can't stand apple, i can't stand the i-phone and how people are using it to augment their social lives, i can't stand how people are so dependent on "having fun" with other people, i just want to pull a cher: "SNAP OUT OF IT!".

that's why i am such an asshole on my website and in my letters of complaint to companies. everybody is blind. there are gay "men" running around and basically saying that they're proud that they need another man in their lives to feel complete (as if their own masculine self leaves them feeling like they're a bunch of half-baked masculivoids). there are "strong women" running around and buying into the "anything a man can do" line while they don't even stop to think about the reason for gender-based sports teams and gender-based military requirements. it's like everyone nowadays is suffering from gender-identity issues - men who need men, wombn who think they're man's equal - i can't stand it. no wonder josh didn't want to be around me. i can barely put up with the "i need a man" mentalities of the masculivoids on the gay hookup sites which i use to spread the word of my own website. "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

every time i'm on the toilet and i fart and i hear the echo in the bowl, i gross myself out and i'm turned off by the human body...as well as by the idea of being naked and romantic with another person. i don't like looking at any "man" who's sucking my dick - i can't help but see a plethora of rainbow-colored question-marks flying around his head. i haven't had any kind of sex in a number of years, i sure am not missing anything. porn and masturbation is so much quicker and easier than going out for sex. it's quicker and easier than getting someone else involved, period. if i could take a "magic pill" to chase my libido away, i would.

if i could take a "magic pill" to get a washboard stomach and a firm and lean behind, i would. i was "chatting" with a 245 pound 24 year-old last night. he wasn't sure if i'd continue to chat after he sent me a shirtless pic. "i have to lose weight," he said, and i told him what i do to lose weight - i eat frozen veggies. i stop eating for enjoyment and start eating to get slimmer. i don't think i was saying anything he took to heart..i guess he made me feel exactly how josh felt when i was getting down on myself because of the way i was. why oh why is josh always popping his masculine wisdom into my thoughts all of the time? i can't stay away from him. it's like you and womens' dressing rooms. ha. that was a line from mannequin that "hollywood" said to andrew mccarthy's character about jelly donuts. "i can't stay away from them, it's like you and womens' dressing rooms".

i can't stand how people misplace apostrophes. there's no sure word as "women's," if a word is possessive then the apostrophe goes after the s if the word is a plural. the apostrophe goes before the s if the word is singular. woman's can mean "one woman IS," but two or more women ARE.

""damn it," i just whispered. i wonder what josh is doing right now. on google, it said josh is 44. i'm 39 in 4 months. if he's that much older than me, well, that explains why he was such a man in high school. because he WAS a man in high school. ha.

take my gut away, take my belly away, take my libido away, take my dogs away. sometimes i do not want alvin and theodore because simon's gone. i wanted to do a parody of "i'll never get over you getting over me" as "i'll never get over you leaving home, simie".

well, the internet's back on. and i have the nanny playing as the window is minimized.

check out my site, www.jaggedlittledyl.com , unless you're there now