this is another letter of praise from my website of (homo)sexual assault that is
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna
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dear sir or vagina:

my name is dylan terreri, i had joined with a "groupon" for a 3-month membership recently. now, i realize that i shouldn't be telling anyone how to run a business, but if you could keep some clean towels inside of the mens' locker-room then you probably wouldn't have to buy as many paper towels - and this way you could help to "save the planet" (as if one act of environmentally-conscious "planet saving" would do anything more or less than one-thousand acts).

any locker room which has a sauna and/or a steamroom inside of it actually WARRANTS a supply of towels kept inside of the locker room. whether a member simply forgot to pick-up a towel on his way into the locker room, whether he didn't think he'd have time to go into the steamroom, whether he didn't get a towel simply because his "traumatic brain-injury" affected his frontal lobe and his ability to plan, it is too much trouble to get re-dressed and to leave the locker room in order to get a towel. therefore, the one who forgot to get a towel on the way in will simply proceed to deplete your supply of paper towels. that is, of course, unless he can find a used towel on the floor. (or someone's clean towel left on top of the lockers - which i did not take today because i didn't know if the kind of person i'd be inconveniencing voted for the white house-negro or not. i mean, what if my taking someone's clean towel would mean inconveniencing someone who takes responsibility for himself and does not expect free food-stamps and free contraceptives and therefore adult diapers? i wouldn't want to inconvenience someone who doesn't leech off of other people through the party which they vote for).

even if i was a man who'd remember to take a towel into the locker-room, sometimes one towel just ain't enough ("sometimes love just ain't enough," don henley/patty smyth, 1992). some men wear towels into the steamroom because they don't want their penis to be gawked at and used to augment any masculivoid's dysfunctional state of masculine being. some men wear towels into the steamroom because they are insecure about their small penis-size. in other words, not all men go into the steamroom (or the sauna) completely naked, so a supply of fresh towels kept inside of the locker-room would mc hammer said in his pepsi commercial...proper.

if a clean supply of towels cannot be kept inside of the locker-room, at least put a hamper in there for men to dispose of their used towels. i'm not above humping anyone with a used condom, so i'm certainly not above drying myself off with a used towel. if it's a choice between getting dressed to get a clean towel and drying off with a used towel...i will take the path of least resistance as i always do.

aside from my complaints of the towels, i must express my approval of your gym (i will assume that doing so will make you feel as good as i felt when one of your employees called me "cutie") . now, given the large number of exercise machines/devices (quoth prince: "she had so many devices, everything that money could buy"), i would assume that the gym gets busy after 5:00. it is for this reason that i am happy to be unemployed, as i can go during the day and be free to wander around the gym like a numbscull and try any piece of equipment that butters my noodle. maybe i should stay away from sexual innuendo, i realize that this gym is not a brothel or a gay bath-house. i must say, though, that it is as uncrowded during the day as the flex bath-house in cleveland is...which i was going to join because their gym had a lot of equipment which nobody was using whenever i arrived around noon. i must say that the existence of your gym will save me a lot of gas, being that i don't have to drive to cleveland for an empty gym full of unused equipment. though the presence of men would make any excursion more exciting, i refuse to take my unemployment for granted by getting out of the house after mens' work-day is over.

my inner "caroline" anger comes out if i'm met with lunchtime traffic on the way to the post office, i know better than to go out when people are not at work. although i used to stay home and watch "caroline" on "that 70s show" instead of going out, it's a youtube playlist of "the nanny" that i watch now (or at least keep minimized so that i can hear something as i'm on working on my computer).

let me get back to massaging your ego. your gym is the most-ut. that's judy jetson's way of saying "utmost". i honestly think that i would be able to stay there for as many hours as your gym remains uncrowded. benny hill said "not a lot of people know that," but i say "not a lot of people are in any gym i'd frequent". just "fyi," depending on how much a regular (non-groupon) membership costs, i may join your gym after the promotional period if over. "i'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler" was a slogan on commercials for meineke that i always heard on new york television stations when i was a boy living in new jersey, but i may pay regular price for a membership to your gym simply for these things: the large amount of equipment, the small amount of other people, the sauna/steamroom.

my lack of tolerance for other people may portray me to be some kind of a jerk, but i have never liked crowds. furthermore, given society's obsession with "fun," given the attitude of a "sex fiend" that i must adopt in order to advertise my website on gay-hookup sites, given the reality of people searching for free birth-control, it is difficult for me to want to associate with people. well, instead of quoting "third eye blind" i oft do when i'm belittling peoples' reliance on sex...i'd like to share something i said to someone on a gay-hookup site when i was asked what i like to do for fun:

"ooh, that's an insulting thing to ask. fun is wherever i am. i am excitement alone at home all day on the internet, i am excitement jumping around in my pool with music, i am fun no matter what i do. that answer took a lot of thinking. but i don't do anything for fun. it just happens"

now, aside from my intolerance of others, if your goal is to tolerate and cater to your costomers, then i'd say that you may want to put a whirlpool in the mens' locker-room. your locker-room not having a whirlpool would be something that would make make people choose the cleveland bath-house over your gym . heck, even the j.c.c. in pittsburgh (though i don't know if they still have steam/sauna/whirlpool after they remodeled a little while ago).

lastly, i will always be thinking of one of your employees, though i am not sure if she'd be open to dating or not. you see, i was waiting outside of the door, just waiting for another member to enter with their key-fob so that i could sneak in without one, when an elderly lady (pardon me, sometimes i forget to kowtow and refer to a female who can't budge 100 pounds as Strongwoman) said "hey, cutie" to me and then said that she'd unlock the door. now, i think the world of myself and i like to hear others expressing their approval of my manly and extremely handsome looks, but i am one to assume things and jump to conclusions. i realize that someone referring to me as "cutie" does not necessarily mean that they want to have sex with me, but i can't help but wonder. please tell your staff to be more forward - they don't have to be as explicit as prince was when he said "i'm not saying this just 2 b nasty, but i sincerely wanna fuck the taste outta your mouth," but if they're going to say "hey,cutie" then i'd expect a certain amount of follow-through. i would have replied with "tell me what you want, what you really-really want" if i was as unafraid to "justify my lust" as this Strongwoman was, but i can't just walk up to someone i've never met and tell them that turn me on. again, please tell your employees to be more forward...though i do realize that you're not running any kind of dolly parton/texas brothel.

to review: please keep a fresh supply of towels inside of the mens' locker-room. please install a hot tub in the mens' locker-room, please have your employees follow-through with a proposition for sex if they're going to call anyone "cutie". other than those deficiencies, your gym is as fine as...well, miss fine. or should i bring forth images of maxwell sheffield by saying "miss FIIIIIINE!"

dylan terreri, i
sheldon cooper, ii
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna

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