this is another letter of complaint from my website of (homo)sexual assault that is
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna
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dear sir or vagina:

you tawk of sweeties, bashful sweeties"

as i was leaving giant eagle, i heard that line as cyndi lauper's "he's so unusual" started playing on my car's mp3 player. yes, i realize that what i did today was "so unusual," but it was the fault of giant eagle. now, if i had not decided to ride the "old lady cart" while walking into the store, i probably would've given up and not purchased anything when i saw that the "self-checkout" line was not open. sometimes i leave when it is not open, sometimes i wait until it's been opened. well, it was because i was having too much fun while driving my "old lady cart," that i was not opposed to waiting for the line to open. i've gone to your store many times in the past, enough to know that the self-checkout lines open at either 9 or 9:30 am. this was not the case today, and if i had known that the line would never open...well, i wouldn't have been riding my "old lady cart" around the store for an hour and feeling like i was eric cartman posing as a retard so he could be in the special olympics.

i didn't need to use the "old lady cart," that was just a whimsical decision made as i was passing the carts. i do, however, need to use the self-checkout lines...and not only because i absolutely LOVE to check myself out. yes, although self-checkout is so easy to do - although i am so easy to look at that i'd be a model if it wasn't for my damaged right eye, i don't use the self-checkout lines only because i love to check myself out. i use these lines because i am to accustomed to rejection. i don't like to deal with people because, whether they look away or fumble with eye-contact or appear disgusted or appear uncomfortable or simply look at people passing by, i feel like they feel that i am not worthy enough to be talking to them. that makes me sad, so i try not to make eye-contact with anyone. i need self-checkout lines because i'm NOT coming out of my shell and i REFUSE to give people the chance to slight me with nonchalant ignorance.

"you tawk of sweeties, bashful sweeties"

oh, i've come out of the closet - i did that in 1999, when i started my website of (homo)sexual assault known as (it was one domain,, back then - it wasn't until 2000 that i registered coming out of my shell, though, that's not as easy. i've been shelled so much that my name should be sheldon. i've been "shelled in" ever since my "traumatic brain-injury" in 1990 had made me unpredictable enough that i lost the ability to maintain friendships. after graduation in 1992, my shell just kept getting firmer (unlike my behind, which i've actively wanted firm since the very sight of a big blonde football hunk in the nashville ymca locker room took its toll on me in 1997). in fact, my shell has gotten as unbreakable as members of the shorter/smaller/weaker gender wish they were. my shell is 100% unbreakable - not even the most perfect specimen of manhood is strong enough to break it. well, maybe matthew muchnok...but he doesn't work at the bank anymore.

i'm not asking for anything unreasonable, i'm not asking for the self-checkout" lines to be lined with mirrors, all i am asking is that they be open in the morning. they really should never even be closed - i never go to the shop-n-save (which is closer to my house) because of the absence of self-checkout lines. now, if giant eagle's "i can do it all by myself" lines make it easier for people to steal things, then just don't allow blacks to use them after-hours (or before-hours). you could even segregate the check-out lines and not allow blacks to leave your store without a "massa" there to make sure they pay for what they've taken. it's just an idea.

anyway, i was wandering around the store in my "old lady cart" for at least 45 minutes, i was just waiting for my chance to pay for my groceries without human contact. which brings up another problem i have with giant eagle - the battery-meter never went down while i was using the cart...but all of a sudden, the cart just stopped. i turned it off and then back on, and it made a loud noise while going forward. so i put it in reverse and it didn't make a noise...then i put it back in forward and it didn't make a noise. except the batter-meter was all the way down. i thought that the battery wouldn't last long enough for me to get to the doors and put the cart back in its place ("please put litter in its place" was on the mcdonalds cups of yesteryear, i call on society to "please put women in their place"). anyway, i feared what would happen if it did konk-out before i could put it where it belongs, i'd have had to tell someone and i'd therefore have been inconvenienced more (or at least taken from my "comfort zone"...which actually was the title of vanessa williams' 1992 album with "save the best for last" on it). now, i am similar to sheldon cooper because we both voice our complaints when things bother us, but i am similar to the indian on "the big bang theory" because he can't talk to the lesser gender. i can't talk to anyone if i'm not familiar with them. prince told me "don't talk 2 strangers," and the worry that overcomes the indian when any womb talks to him, well, it is what overcomes me when i have to talk to strangers. i bring this up because i'd expect that giant eagle would make the "old lady carts" have longer-lasting batteries so that they wouldn't run out after 45 minutes (forcing the shopper to talk to strangers).

giant eagle could also keep the "i can do it all by myself" checkout lines open all the time, so nobody has to pass time driving around in the "old lady carts" while waiting for them to open.

to make this morning even more stressful, i was finally on my home road and 15 seconds from my driveway...only to see that a moving truck was off of its tires and sprawled out across the entire road like a beached whale. speaking of whales (and relating will wheaton on "the big bang theory" to will wheaton in "stand by me"), well, i was disappointed at both whales. both the whale of a moving truck (which prevented me from getting home), and the whale of will wheaton (which prevented me from ever being able to watch one of the best movies of my childhood ever again). i was 12 years old when "stand by me" came out. let me close with a quote from the movie:

"I never had any friends later on, like the ones I had when I was 12. Jesus, does anyone?"

mr. dylan terreri, i
dr. sheldon cooper, ii
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna

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