this is another letter of complaint from my website of (homo)sexual assault that is
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"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna
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dear sir or vagina:

conquering gambling and homosexuality (conquering slots and cocks)

i think i was born this way. it doesn't matter that i had to learn why slot machines were superior to actual employment with regards to the ease of getting money, it doesn't matter that i had to learn why men were superior to lesser gender with regards to the pleasure of getting blowjobs. i was destined to be a gambler and i was destined to be gay. i am not saying that i am some kind of robotic computer with no ability to change my mind (or my operating system), all i am saying is that people who maintain that they were "born to act" or "born to cook" are only using "born this way" to justify their behavior as unchangeable (and therefore righteous). i was "born with" green eyes and brown hair, these things are physical characteristics, but an interest in cooking or in acting or in men is not physical. interests are not physical things. nobody is born with any knowledge, people have to develop interests through living. likewise, nobody is born with any curiosities - curiosity is something that must be developed through one's understanding of one's lack of understanding.

both slots and cocks hold the same kind of power over me. i can relate a lyric from a prince song here: "i'm not talkin' about just ordinary temptation, people...i'm talking about the kind of temptation that'll make u do things...". when i am in front of the slots, i am "made to do things" because i am entranced at the possibilities of what could happen if i started to play. when i am in front of the cocks, i am "made to do things" because i am entranced at the possibilities of what could happen if i started to play.

my attraction to slots did not fully reveal itself until age 36, when my mind was taunted enough by the gobs of money i had essentially given away. i needed that money back, so i played with (and studied/tried to understand) slots. my attraction to cocks revealed itself by age 9, when my mind was taunted enough by my skinny and girly-meek body (as well as by the condescending athletes in gym class) . i did not see myself as a "real boy" and so i played with (and studied/tried to understand) the "real boys". i wanted to discover, so i dis-covered (undressed) them. it's been said that "necessity is the mother of invention," and i would relate the fascination i have with both slots and cocks to necessity: i knew i was not rich enough so i used slots to try to fill the void, i knew i was not man enough so i used cocks to try to fill the void.

i never cared about changing my mind (or changing my operating system) until i had actual reason to. sure, i've always wished i had a lust for an egg-bleeding vagina rather than for an egg-fertilizing penis, but that was just a wish based on my own immaturity. saying "i wish boobs interested me more" is like saying "i wish video games interested me more," in that (even though i'm not open-minded enough to want to start playing with either) i don't need a desire in order to play with boobs or to play a video game. i can "just do it" and maybe the video game or the mammary glands will facilitate a hold on my heart. the video slots did - i was not attracted to them until i got familiar with playing them. likewise, i do have an interest in playing with cocks which spew white gold...just as i have an interest in playing slots which spew green gold...but i don't have to play with either. i can "just stop it" and see if the hold on my heart is lessened. i feel that i am not a robot whose interests were preprogrammed, and i feel victimized by a society which tells me that they were. society tells me that i'm not a whole person if i don't indulge in my own naivete of the masculine gender, but why would society tell me that cock-worship isn't a problem when there are advertisements everywhere which imply that slot-worship is a problem? they're both kind of like drugs, giving an altered state of reality, why is one drug bad and the other one good?

i feel victimized by a society which tells me that i'm not a whole person if i don't indulge in my naivete of the masculine gender. curbing my enthusiasm for cocks would (in today's society) be seen as self-denying, while curbing my enthusiasm for slots would be commended. both are strong temptations in my life, why would curbing ANY strong temptation NOT be seen as self-denying? is the common man only "born with" the temptations that the rulers want to legitimize?

i have a desire to pull the long shaft of the slot machine and to see what cums out. i am in an altered state of mind when i am in the presence of a slot machine. sometimes i wish i was as unaffected by slot machines as i am by images of milk-spewing mammary glands and egg-bleeding vaginas. i think that it is wrong when i suffer from two mind-altering stimulants (slots and cocks), that only one is regarded as problematic. i never wanted to be a gambler, but i can get help to stop being attracted to slots. i never wanted to be attracted to men, but i can't get help to stop worshipping cocks.

it's like i am bitch-slapped every time i engage in homosexual sex.. this is detrimental to my emotional well-being, yet there is no therapist who would try to do anything but get me more comfortable with my own gender-naivete. i don't want to feel "in the dark" and clueless about men, i don't want to be curious of masculinity, i don't want to know myself as a masculivoid who is half-baked enough to need a man for a feeling of completion. i am bitch-slapped because curiosity of the masculine gender leads to 1) diarrhea on my penis or my hands, 2) breathing in bad breath, body odor or "swamp crotch/swamp ass," and 3) a constant reminder that i'm not man enough to satisfy my need for a man.

all of this is detrimental to my (and anyone else's) well-being. there's nothing to be proud of with regards to homosexuality, not if one takes one's own gender seriously. by lusting for another man, a man is only saying that he feels a void for men and that he isn't man enough to fill the void. this is detrimental to anyone's well being. cocks can be as detrimental as slots can be, and if gambling is going to be accepted as a problem then homosexuality should also be.

i have undergone a change of mind, my mind has been changed, my operating system. oh, i did not conquer the gender-naivete that spawned the collection of gay porn that's on my computer, i did not conquer homosexual fantasy...but i haven't been sexually active for a number of years. the bit of respect i have for myself as a man is usually slapped in the face if i go and put other men on pedestals (or either literally or figuratively kiss their asses). porn is one thing, but when it comes to real people...i just have no interest in anyone's ass after one of my fingertips is brown or stinks like diarrhea. i never really had much of an interest in schlong-sucking, but if another man's balls smell anything like mine then i lose all interest. for years as a boy, i had looked around the locker room with a jealous eye - and if absence makes the heart grow fonder then armpit-hair made my dick grow bigger...but not if the armpits are gamy or stink.y that is a total "roll over and go to sleep" moment.

it's not a matter of being skinny, it's not a matter of being weak, it's not a matter of either being athletically deficient or having insufficiently-hairy armpits...it's a matter of masculine self-confidence. and anyone without masculine self-confidence is most likely going to turn out to be attracted to men.

and if there's no magic pill to provide change, if you can't "pray the gay away," you can change your mind.

mr. dylan terreri, i
dr. sheldon cooper, ii
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"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna
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