this is another letter of complaint from my website of (homo)sexual assault that is
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna
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to the Good Navel Company:
i would have addressed this letter with a "dear sir or vagina," but the intention of this letter is not to offend. i actually thought i'd be done writing letters to anyone after the fbi came to my house regarding a letter i wrote endorsing a local politician named duane rape. i mean, really, how could anyone with a name like that not expect anyone to ruffle some feathers? good god, i was a fan of madonna from age 11 until i was out of high school (and quite let down with her "erotica" release), so being provocative is almost in my dna. besides, it wasn't like i was bashing duane rape. actually, the letter had nothing to do with duane rape, i just saw a name like "duane rape" as a way to belittle the little gender which only can do "anything a man can do" when they're not competing against men in sporting events or physical competitions or...well, acts of rape.
with that being said (oh, how i hate to be the common man and use popular phrases that everyone seems to use), i would like to share my adventures in babysitting. er, my adventures in weight-loss. i saw "adventures in babysitting" with my friend tim steckle in the 6th or 7th (or even 8th grade).
a long, long time ago - maybe in early spring of 2008 - i ordered a pill called "zetacap" from somewhere online. i lost 30 pounds in six weeks. what it did was put some kind of gel around my stomach so that i was not hungry. it was billed as "the gastric-bypass pill," and it sure lived up to the title. i took "zetacap" and i swam to lose weight. i've had a pool since 2004 which i'd never used until the hysteria over michael phelps started in the early summer of 2008. i don't think i started swimming as a method of weight-loss, i guess i was just possessed by phelps. anyway, that's when i started swimming regularly - i guess i soon realized that being active in the water (not necessarily swimming) was a supplement to zetacap. by august, i guess it was, i had another "aqua-shield" itching. the "aqua-shield" is a pool-enclosure which i learned about in 2004 or 2005 when i was driving to ohio and an "aqua-shield" truck passed. they were around $30,000, so i gave up on the idea of getting one.
fast-forward to 2008 and the regular use of my outdoor pool. i started looking online for alternatives to spending $30,000 on a pool-enclosure, i saw the "aqua-dome" and stuff like it, but i ended up ordering a greenhouse...which was probably a better investment than any of the enclosures i was looking at, being that the greenhouse keeps the water in the pool from freezing in the winter (and if the water freezes, it's easily breakable with a plastic shovel). i guess i'd have to credit the greenhouse somewhat for my weight-loss accomplishments, being that i didn't swim for years before getting the greenhouse - and even though phelps got me started, i don't know how long i would have continued to swim without a greenhouse. so, regarding weight-loss, zetacap was the big reason, the greenhouse was important...and it seems that gnc will bring me to the finish-line...how about three of them on my stomach?
now, where was i? oh, i am writing to gnc about the product i just bought. i am not sure of the name, but it was $40 and it was a box filled with (jagged) little pill-containers. six or seven pills in each container. well, i currently have a barely-noticeable (i hope it's not just me who barely notices it) spare tire about my waist, and i have been wanting a flat stomach for about as long as i've been wanting a behind like the firm and lean one i saw in 1997 when a big blonde hunk of a man in the whirlpool kept standing up and giving people in the sauna behind him a reason to stroke their dicks. i was stroking mine every time that ass came out of the water. yes, i heard snickers from the negroes, but i didn't care. they weren't laughing at me, they were probably just laughing at my desperate need to familiarize myself with masculinity as if i was some kind of dysfunctional masculivoid who wanted to express his naivete of the masculine gender. maybe they were laughing because they were also masculivoids. a lot of the blacks in madonna's "blond ambition tour" were masculivoids.
anyway, i had been wanting a flat stomach (and a firm/lean behind) for a long time. i gave zetacap another chance a few years ago, but it did not work wonders as it did in 2008, this is why i was looking for something else. so i went to the cranberry township gnc and spoke to brandon. i went to see halloween 4 with brandon winn who sat next to me in typing class, back in october of 1988 when we were freshmen. anyway, i felt that the gnc brandon would get mad at me because i'd been in there before on my quest for weight-loss, i thought that real men get mad at any "man" who could be regarded as a vagina simply because he is so obsessed with weight-loss, but i still asked him about the weight-loss stuff he had. despite his almost stoic appearance, he is quite easy to talk to. i guess i'd regard as "stoic" almost anyone who's not as fruity as me. i am a fruit-loop, brandon is not a fruit-loop...anyway, i told him about zetacap, i said i was looking for something like it, and he gave me the product i mentioned at the beginning of the letter. we were talking about weight-loss and he was telling me a lot of stuff i did and didn't know, so he was very helpful. i actually always thought he hated me, but i feel that way around everybody who doesn't kiss my ass. ha.
speaking of which, does brandon own that store? he's always in there, no matter what time i'm there. gnc should probably just give the store to him, he's in there so much. has gnc ever been convicted of slave-labor?
anyway, he told me to take the pills in the morning, but i took them right when i got home. he said they would make me feel "full" not by putting a gel around my stomach, but in other ways. i really did not think this product would work, i told brandon that i was hesitant to buy it because i didn't want to be starting what would turn out to be an expensive trial-and-error rigmarole that would likely end as a "much ventured/nothing gained" (or lost) rigmarole. i thought i'd feel guilty for wasting his time and not buying anything, so i just bought it. i really didn't expect it to do anything at all. i thought it'd be like the "full bar" and all the other gimmicks i've fallen for. i was wrong.
now, i have been buying your "total lean" shakes for years...even though they were always disgusting and clumpy. it is so great that you just added a banana flavor, because that is a great shake - with or without clumps. hmn, that sounds like a u2 song...anyhoo, this has nothing to do with the shape of bananas, because i'd still love the shake even if bananas were not phallic. well, as long as i used that word, you should check out my website, itskindaphallic.com. do it whenever you get home. don't do it in front of children, though, because it does get as nasty as janet jackson. it's not nasty as in a porn-site, it's nasty like andrew dice clay circa 1990. eddie murphy circa 1983. eminem circa 1999.
anyhoo, where was i? oh, phallic bananas. i have no intention of buying "total lean" shakes in chocolate, vanilla or strawberry - those flavors are chalky and clumpy and disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourselves for making them. i could barf. now, i understand how put-downs directed at the gnc headquarters would be cause to want to dissolve your corporation out of respect for dylan terreri the first, but dissolving your corporation on account of me is not necessary because you have rectified "total lean" shakes with bananas.
hmn,that sounds hot, doesn't it. i need a phallic banana to rectify me.
as i said earlier, weight-loss (or the loss of my spare tire) has been a goal for years. i want my flat stomach and i want to be able to sing a parody of cher's "if i could turn back time" as "look at my firm behind". i've been using "total lean" shakes as meal-replacements, hoping they'd be as hunger-inhibiting as zetacap once was, but my spare tire has been inflating and that's why i went to gnc again. well, combining the "total lean" shakes with the product that brandon sold me, i am down to 159.8. when i awoke under my cum-stained comforter, i went downstairs and i was 160.something. 160.x - i think the x variable was a higher number like 8 or 9, but i am brain-damaged so it may not have been. i guess it was swimming and not eating for hours that got me under 160. well, i don't swim all that much, i jump around with the music and do three dumbbell-exercises., sit-ups on the inclined bench, pull-ups on the staircase, leg-press on the inclined bench. and i jump around some more. sometimes i "vogue," sometimes i do "the humpty dance," but i am usually just jumping around to get a stomach at least like mike phelps' stomach. a stomach like freedom williams had in 1991, well, that's "all i really want". yes, i jump around to alanis morissette, as well.
i had been on a low-calorie kick for days, i eat big pickles because they have 0 calories and a few of them act as a meal-replacement. i haven't sucked on a big pickle for years, but that's alright because pickle-sucking cannot deliver a feeling of being "full" - pickle-eating, however, is a low-calorie alternative to real food (as is fiber mixed into kool-aid, i do that too - fiber's relation to weight-loss is something that brandon told me which i already knew). what is a better option, though, is the $40 supply of pills i bought at gnc. i was 164 or 165 just 5 or 6 days ago when i got on my low-calorie kick. i was 159.8 today, this is party because of my hunger being inhibited thanks to the gnc pills i bought yesterday...and salad. oh, i also ate cookies today. that's brandon's fault, he said that i could have snacks. i told him that i thought "snacks" meant "cookies," but he meant healthy snacks.
before i close, i will weigh myself again so you can feel like your company is accomplishing things. i realize how you may already think that gnc is beneficial to people, but to know that you've affected the life of dylan terreri the first in a positive way, well, that'd be worth more to you than anything else. do i sound as egocentric as jackie burkhart is?
hmn 160.4. you suck. i take back all the positive comments i have given you. i could so easily turn this letter into one of my nasty-grams.
just kidding, i know i'll be below 160 tomorrow. this ain't my first rodeo, as they say.
i'll send you a picture of my flat stomach when i get it, maybe you could use it in advertisements for your company. Good Navel Company.
mr. dylan terreri, i
dr. sheldon cooper, ii
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna
check out my site, www.jaggedlittledyl.com
, unless you're there now