this is another letter of complaint from my website of (homo)sexual assault that is
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna
back to the menu
dear sir or vagina:

to the ones at giant eagle, cranberry:

it is a terrible inconvenience that i can no longer go through the self-checkout lines without scanning a giant eagle card. why did you start requiring a scan of a card to go through these lines? was it to inconvenience me in the same way that wal-mart inconvenienced me by moving their self-checkout lines to the other side of the store. i had gotten so a-c-c-u-s-t-o-m-e-d to parking on the retail side and entering/exiting on the retail side. now that they moved their self-checkout lines to the other side of the store, i don't know what to do. i have lost my car in many parking lots, i do not want to lose it again by changing my whole parking routine and later wondering which side i parked on.

aside from wal-mart's intolerance of brain-damaged people like myself, now giant eagle has required the scan of a card before using their self-checkout lines. if i find out that this was done to antagonize me, well, you'll certainly be hearing from "the brain-injury association of america".

other than that, i went to your store today and bought mint ice cream sandwiches. i think "ice cream" should be hyphenated, since it refers to "sandwiches". anyhoo, they are so tasty that i started opening the box as i was walking out of the store. once i got to my car, i had unwrapped an ice-cream sandwich and found that the wafers were not soft. they were almost as crispy as saltines. i was not happy. and i would like a refund - or a gift certificate for a free box - please send to po box 2613 cranberry twp pa 16066.

i must applaud you, though for another reason. men. you see, companies nowadays are so apt to hire the lesser gender - whether for the placation of "wombns' groups" and an attempt to placate vaginas who are spiteful of mens' greater heights, greater widths, greater appetites, greater sex-drives, greater physical abilities...or as some kind of jagged little political statement. i went to a restaurant called cadillac ranch today - it was like a festival of egg-bleeding vaginas and milk-spouting mammary glands. i may have seen TWO MEN working there. the over-representation of the lesser gender is happening because vaginas have gotten so spiteful of masculinity being the justifiable greater gender, evidenced by the fact that the vaginas have formed groups and coalitions to see that members of the pipsqueak gender are not overlooked. even in places where their lackluster abilities don't belong (the military, the PROTECTive police force, anywhere that female-compensating/gender-based entry-requirements exist) .there is no such thing as sexual equality, evidenced by gender-based sports teams and gender-based military requirements. if a woman could do anything a man can do, if a vagina wouldn't serve as a handicap on a team of men, there would be no such thing as gender-based sport teams. the same goes for gender-based military requirements. females are of the lesser gender, there are no two ways about it.

getting back to giant eagle, there must have been three or four men working in the vicinity of the self-checkout registers. this was a grand sight to see, men are being overlooked for the sake of womens' lackluster existences, but there were at least three men working within ten feet of me. it was a grand sight to see...and not because i was horny. sure, i had my "organ donor" parody t-shirt on, "orgasm donor," but i applaud giant eagle for sticking it to the womb and daring to be different. as if wombn have something over men. i mean, men can't help but look down upon women, it's a matter of height. if women want to be equal, why do they get boyfriends who are taller? it's like a slap in the face, and it's not suggesting anything reminiscent of gender-equality. and high-heeled shoes just scream "WANNABEE". as do the accompanying shoulder-pads.

anyway, i had not previously seen at least two, maybe three, of the masculine faces working at giant eagle today. i assumed they were new employees, i'm glad to see that giant eagle is not overlooking men like the restaurant i went to today was. on a side note: i've seen one of your new workers a few times before, he looks so big and strong, i'm usually not one who likes to admit to being a masculivoid...but all i can say is WOW. let me quote lisa lisa and cult jam: "ooh, baby, i think i love ya from head to toe". there are cookie-cutter handsome men with classic good- looks, but this one has so much more. i love to look at him, though i kind of feel creepy. i mean, he's got a big and strong back i saw under a shirt with a picture of a hot dog on it (no comment from the peanut-gallery), and from twenty feet away i saw the outline of his chest under that same, loose-fitting shirt - his chest was apparent under a loose-fitting shirt from twenty feet away! wow. i could tell that he was strong and "such a perfect specimen of manhood" (that's what dr. frank-n-furter said about rocky horror). his face, though, i could look at his face all's so dreamy. i don't like when he catches me, because then i have to look away and feign a sort of nonchalance done with no pretense. let me just say that i am the personification of "pretense". that's because my homosexual attraction is kind of a slap in the face that i'd like nobody to know about - especially men who seem to be man enough to be their man. let me take a quote from a screenplay that i have written: "if you're not man enough to be your man, good luck filling anyone else's void". i want to regard myself as "man enough to be my man" and full of masculine esteem, but it's so hard to do when i'm confronted with the "perfect specimen of manhood" that i saw today at giant eagle.

there you have it - i need a free box of your minty ice-cream sandwiches, i need your self-checkout lines to stop requiring a scan of a card (what if i'm buying something i'd mistakenly leave at a crime-scene, i don't want giant eagle to have proof that i left it there - i'd be screwed. and not even by that hunky cranberry township policeman).

please amend your store to accommodate me. i wrote to wal-mart and asked them to move their self-checkout lines back to the retail side of the store. they have not done so. they are discriminating against handicapped people.

thank you,
dylan terreri, i
sheldon cooper, ii
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna

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