this is another letter of complaint from my website of (homo)sexual assault that is
WWW.JAGGEDLITTLEDYL.COM and WWW.ANTI-GAY.COM
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna
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hi...

i was in the pool, thinking about everything you said that i could remember.

"larry is not a very good friend because he lets you do the things that you do"

"brent is not a real therapist because, after 5 years seeing him, you still do the things that you do"

did you ever think that i do what i do because it's who i am? it's nobody's fault, not brent's and not larry's, and it's not even a fault because it's ME. larry makes me wear normal clothes when i go places with him, but i am who i have been since childhood. speaking of childhood, the things that i do that you don't like are ALL YOUR FAULT. if you never wanted me to write letters that scare people enough to send the fbi after me, you shouldn't have let me read so much of stephen king. if you never wanted me to dress outrageously or to be provocative, you shouldn't have just disapproved of madonna, you should have FORBIDDEN me to buy her records and to watch her on tv. come to think of it, you shouldn't have let me buy any records or watch any movies - you shouldn't have let me have any association with the outside world if you feared i'd get an identity you wouldn't approve of. "and now the sum of my heroes defines me the man that i be," that is a lyric of a parody of mariah carey's "vision of love" that i called "vision of self" - it's about role models. "i had a vision of self and it was all that i've wanted to be".

i am offended when you think that the "magic pill" is to find a TBI doctor and to get me involved in TBI groups. who i am and what i do is not because my head is messed up, it's because of "the sum of my heroes". it's not just madonna and stephen king, it's josh lane and it's prince and it's a little bit of jd stem and it's a lot of ferris bueller. and it's a little bit of ferris' smart-mouthed, sharp-tongued and sarcastic sister. and a little bit of the flamboyant dr. frank-n-furter from the rocky horror picture show.

roseanne barr had a TBI at 16, her behavior changed dramatically, as did mine. that's why i had no friends by my senior year. sara russell said "people stay away from you because they don't know what to expect from you". chris petite, a wrestler in my grade who i had never spoken to, was trying to tell me the same thing - "that's not YOU," he said after i did something un-dylanlike. at 16, roseanne barr went to a mental institution, but even that could not get her to become the same person she had been before 16. i had changed to my friends at del val, but i had not and have never changed all that much. and if i was involved in something and was around people, i'd have a lot of friends (just like i did at 15).

and regarding your disapproval of the greenhouse around my pool, the cost pales in comparison to the money you wasted buying two houses in 2 or 3 years. you were even talking of moving again. i'm sure that buying two houses in 2 years wasn't just a loss of a little bit of money. and besides that, putting a greenhouse around my pool has given me so much happiness and fulfillment. and it got me exercising and lifting weights regularly, which is something i never could stick to. alright, maybe it's michael phelps' fault that i actually started using the pool in 2008...but it's because of michael phelps that i wanted the ability to use it all year. i made a parody of kelly clarkson's "because of you" and the last line is "because of you, i love my pool". oh, there's another example of how the sum of my heroes defines me the man that i be.

i do what i do because it is who i am. the only doctor who'd be able to do what you want with regards to changing my behavior, well, that's doctor frankenstein. or i'm sure dr. frank-n-furter could do it. but i do what i do because it's who i am.

i wish you would stop talking about TBI groups and TBI doctors at lunch. that's all we seem to talk about. "you should learn to," that's another thing you're always saying. i wish i could remember what you said i should "learn to" do today. i know you said "learn to cook" and learn to do things for myself, but it was something not related to that. oh, well, i can't remember. but i've lived on my own from january of 1996 until june of 2000. 4 1/2 years. oh, wait, there was marc from october of 1998 until summer 2000. and there was nobody to care enough to drive me away from the retard home in 1997-1998...so it was just all of 1996 and up until summer of 1997. well, i haven't had much practice living alone, but the 1 1/2 years were easy.

if larry wasn't here to cook dinner, i'd use the microwave or i'd get cooked food at a store - i've done it before and i can do it again.. if larry wasn't here to wash my clothes, i'd wash them myself (from doylestown to monmouth beach to annapolis to bensalem to possibly huntsville,, my apartments had washer/dryer inside of them). if larry wasn't here to mow the grass, i'd probably (let's be honest here) pay someone to do it. if larry wasn't here to fix things, i'd hire a repairman. i can live on my own and i have.

i need you to stop trying to change me. stop trying to get me to change myself. i'm 39 years old and even though i am not the common 39 year-old, i should not have to write these kinds of notes to my mother.

dylan

oh, and what i do may have reflected on you when i was living at home, but i had not even seen you very much from 1995 when you moved out until 2007 or whenever you moved to pittsburgh. why should what i do reflect poorly on you? after all, you never locked me in a room to make sure that i was only influenced by you. the ciccone kids all went to catholic school, i know madonna did, and i know that her behavior cannot be attributed to the kind of parents who put their kids in catholic school.
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"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna
www.jaggedlittledyl.com/essays
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