a skit i wrote after seeing a melissa etheridge interview.

sally struthers: great, melissa! so, what prompted you to finally tell the world that, on top of the fact womens' bodies stimulate you like femininity is something you have no handle on, you are an all-around feminine insufficiency who feels she cannot be happy without another woman's presence always in her life?

melissa: well, when i was doing an interview for some magazine, i was talking about a love song i wrote. the sally struthers automatically assumed that the lover in the song was a man, and published a misquote implying that i'm whole enough a woman to date the opposite sex. and i got paranoid, i mean, what are my gay friends gonna think? that i'm a traitor who'd keep her personal life personal, market herself as normal and fit in with the real world, rather than flaunt all aspects of her life, market the chip on her shoulder and fit in with all the underdeveloped lil' runts of the world's litters?

sally struthers: what did your gay friends think? what do they think now?

melissa: they thought that i was a complete closet case because they thought my egocentric self-importance wasn't monstrous enough to vengefully gallivant myself around town, screaming and wailing advertisements of my socially unaccepted and biblically uninvited sex life.

sally struthers: what do they think now?

melissa: now they know better! they know i'm not hiding.

sally struthers: hiding? elaborate.

melissa: i think people are hiding from themselves if they don't just out themselves. if they don't just ignore all and please their wants and have fun.

sally struthers: aah, ignore all. apathy plays a major role in your life, doesn't it? i flipped on mtv this morning and saw what i perceived to be a psychotic problem child throwing a tantrum, screaming the words "i don't care, i don't care!".

melissa: that was me. and i don't care about people, about what they think, it's my life and i'll do whatever i wanna do! if people have a problem with it, tough, they're weak cuz they can't deal with anybody unlike themselves.

sally struthers: aah, denial. in madonna's words, "you're the one with the problem".

melissa: madonna. wow, the name sends chills to my spine. she's such a pioneer, i respect her so much. she does whatever she wants, she was the first, she flat out doesn't care! about anything! she's more worthy of the initials m.e. than i am!

sally struthers: "ignore all and please your wants," as you said. do you think that philosophy is of god or of satan?

melissa: okay, church lady, i think it's time for me to go.

(melissa leaves)

sally struthers (to audience): do you have a hard time facing reality? of course, we all do.   back