i wrote this letter to my therapist - don't laugh, i have nobody else to talk to.  andrew is the contractor he recommended to do what i need done to my house.

i don't think andrew will be calling or emailing back. i didn't do anything wrong, it's just my demeanor. i'm clueless and i don't know what i am talking about half the time, i babble, and nobody wants to work with me. i don't even think you do. i'm too psycho, i email too much, i think andrew was terrorizing my house today, him or people he knows who he told where i live. i know i sound crazy, i don't know if i actually believe it, but there are bangs i hear around the house and i think people are ruining it.

i hate having a sexual attraction, i must've been jerking off for an hour or two. porno on the pc. when i am doing it, i want to hold back so i can go for 5 minutes more. and i keep holding back, and when i finally let it go it's over. and i wonder why i didn't just let it go asap.

i hate sex. i hate having a libido. i hate not being at-ease with people like andrew. or nate. i hate not being able to talk to people who talk to me. i'm just too full of myself and self-importance. i guess i got this way from years of being friendless and purposeless. i want to get naked and close with men because i want to justify myself as a man in the only way i am capable of. if i was a woman, i'd fuck men for the same reason.

i wish i didn't care about acceptence so i could just stay in bed all day and not care about making friends. because i can't make friends. i can't talk to anybody. or i wish i was sleepy all the time. and all i'd wanna do is lay in bed. i think sex is a waste of time, but it's the only way i would be able to really feel like i matter to someone. i don't wanna have sex, but i do because i wanna matter to someone.

i asked andrew if me and him could put the stuff up, so that i wouldn't have to hire anyone else and jack the price i was comfortable paying up to the price that made me give up on pool enclosures. you know, i think i will write a parody of "i wish i felt nothing" by the wallflowers, in honor of the previous paragraph.

i wish i felt nothing

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