as early as 1995, when i was staying at hotel connected to the "towson town center" by an walkway about twenty or thirty feet above the street, i have had a reverence for the name "joshua". i bought a little desk calendar with "JOSHUA" written on the front. i guess it was a biblical calendar. i'm sure i bought it at the "towson town center," my dad spoke of "towson" pronounced as "low son" or "yo, son," but it's a "TOWn center" and it should be pronounced like "how, son" or "wow, son".

i should write a parody of maroon 5's "i can't stop thinking about you" for my master lane. ha, that's from my parody of duran duran"s "is there something i should know". "oh, my master lane".

i was doing my pool-aerobics, jumping around and letting my "body move to the music," i began thinking of josh, and, well, i can't stop. i thought of doing a parody of ms. morissette's "thank u" ("thank you, joshua") as well as "fame" done as "lane". ha. what an impact he had on my life in the short short time he was in my life. what an impact - his words to me about masculine esteem. "be the best"..."change yourself so you can love yourself"...i don't know if the "i used to be like you" was true - i guess it was - dare i think that he once put men and masculinity on pedestals.

did you ever just want someone to know that you love them - in the end, i guess it doesn't matter...but it matters to me. have you ever not been able to take your mind off of someone you've had absolutely no contact with for 22 years, and a grand total of less than six hours contact 22 years ago? i am because of josh. josh is a part of me. he changed my life with his words one night in june of 1991. maybe instead of making my room a shrine to jeb blazavich, i should make it a shrine to another uga football-player named josh.

josh lane will always be in my heart. there's a genesis parody...or at least phil collins. when i am high on myself and full of self-love and self-respect, when i am aware of it, i'm always remembering josh. he told me that his dad died and that his dad told him what he was telling me. father to son, there's another collins parody, josh's dad to josh...and josh to me.

it doesn't matter if i get a boner for naked men, because, if my heart isn't into it, then - well, all of my sexcapades have been "cum and go," if that says anything. nowadays, it's all rubs me the wrong way (there's a johnny gill parody) to be figuratively or literally kissing another man's ass.

at 17, josh was my introduction to masculine self-respect. "be the best," i guess meant "don't feel voided enough to want to kiss another man's ass".

"change yourself so you can love yourself"

hello, mister lane.

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